The Truth About The Meaning of Love
			Avoid three forms of romantic love "dead ends." Use sex for emotional intimacy, not reassurance. Use love to create and maintain happy, loving relationships.
	This is not like ANY book on love you've read before! Are You Confused About Being Angry with the One You Love? Do You Want to Take the Fear Out of Being Close?
	Mary and John's story is familiar. "I hate you -- get out of my life!" she said when he finally arrived. She was furious about his coming home two hours late to a cold dinner on the table. The candles had burned out, and she ate alone. This was not the first time he stood her up. You'd think she would learn! (You'd think he would learn!) She loved him so much she was enraged, and told him she wanted a divorce and for him to leave and never come back! Obviously to John, Mary no longer loved him, so he left, hurt and upset, and spent the night elsewhere. Mary was even more hurt from his staying away all night. Of course, she loved him very much. She understood that. But how could she love him and hate him at the same time? She wondered, and he wondered, and with no clear answer they drifted apart. She didn't understand that love is more than a feeling of pleasure. Love is also an emotional investment. Mary's anger meant that John was very important to her. Otherwise she wouldn't care at all. Anger is an inevitable feeling in any relationship . . . but you have to know how to use the energy to turn upsets into opportunities. The truth is, many people are confused about how to have a close relationship that works. . . . . . .and no wonder. . . There are thousands of families out there that model for their kids how not to be loving with their husband or wife. They may want to know the "Secret of loving relationships ". . . but all they can do is the best they learned from their own parents about how to get along with others. . . . Love Means Treating Others Well How to have harmonious relationships is not a mystery. The first meaning of love has to do with how you treat the person you care about. Creating a close, loving relationship is not actually so difficult to understand! How to do it can be learned. In fact, it has to be learned by everyone who knows how to sanctify their relationship rather than pollute it. Anyone can do it, and there is no need to sit at the feet of a "guru," spend thousands on training workshops, or give up and settle for doing without the love you want.. . . It all comes down to the simple, basic rules of listening, understanding, and empathizing with what is important to your loved one. Once you understand how treating others in loving ways works, your relationship cannot fail because of you. Now, here's a book about the meaning of love that will show you the foundation on which to build a deeply caring relationship . . . The Meaning of Love is based on the proven principles and methods that are currently being used by those couples who succeed in their relationships. The other 55% who fail in their marriages use the methods that poison and destroy their relationships. Love Means Pleasure When couples treat each other well, they delight in each other, and love means pleasure, deep emotional enjoyment of each other. Sexual pleasure is only that, and does not create emotional intimacy. You don't have to settle for temporary enjoyment as all you can have. You can go beyond to find the emotional satisfaction that you've always wanted. Don't waste time thinking sex is the answer. Learn from what others know . . . that acceptance and affirmation of oneself and others creates the emotional delight that can be expressed with sex. The experts who understand what works have one thing in common. . . they know that couples who succeed have the same problems as couples who fail. . . the difference is in how they deal with their problems when they are not enjoying each other. Does your husband or wife (or significant other): Criticize you about little things? Seem less interested in you than before? Put you off when it comes to physical contact? Here is a manual that tells you exactly what others do to get the positive results that you want in your own relationship. You don't have to figure it all out on your own from scratch. You have a description of what really works and what doesn't when it comes to close, emotionally satisfying, loving relationships.  Love Means Caring: Emotional Investment Sharing life activities and personal information creates intimacy and emotional connection. Over time, caring grows and your emotional investment in the other deepens, even when all is not "rosy" and pleasurable. We love because we find our emotional match in the other person, that which makes us feel more whole. We have found a "soul mate" and gradually become more and more emotionally and spiritually connected to the other person. Fear is what gets in the way of caring. But you don't have to suffer in silence. Using the principles in this book, you can reverse what may seem irreversible, including: Fear of asking for what you want. Finding yourself reacting defensively when you don't want to do so. Being critical of your partner or yourself. Attempting to control your partner. Fear of being rejected.  You Can Make Your Relationship More Loving -- Today The Meaning of Love explains how love based on need fulfillment usually has serious limitations, but identifies the one need we should continue to nurture. . .I have put it together for you in one place, covering the things couples do to poison their relationship, and showing the positive alternatives to replace what doesn't work. Here are a few of the questions addressed . . . "What are the three meanings of love that create confusion when one is true and one or two of the others are not? "What is the one emotional need for love that we never outgrow?" "What are the three ways that sex is often used to create intimacy in a relationship?" "What is the most effective way to use sex to cement emotional intimacy?" "What is the meaning of love that satisfies your soul and connects most deeply to the one you love?" "What is the most effective technique for resolving disagreements, and how do you do it?" Plus, there's much more covered . . . Will These Principles Really Work for Your Relationship? The Meaning of Love is based on the essential information about loving revealed in the last 50 years through the study of relationships. It is inevitable that you will improve your understanding of love if you apply what you read this eBook. [Note: If you want to read more extensively about the fundamental values that are the foundation of emotional and relationship well being, take a look at The Spiritual Conneciton: Values, faith, and Psychotherapy. I provide in great detail the bedrock on which love is built.] You could pay more to learn about the same things you will find in The Meaing of Love eBook. In fact, I have considered selling it for $29.95. But you don't have to pay that much, because I want it to be available to anyone who wants it. You can get access to this unique information-packed manual today, along with a bonus worth $100.00! The book comes in .pdf format, so it's for both PC and Mac users, and you can download it right away to your hard disk! The official sales price for all this informaton is $19.95, but because I'm testing the sales on the internet, you get it for the low introductory price of only $12.95! And There's More: When you purchase The Meaning of Love, you will also receive the following . . . A free email consultation with the author, a seasoned psychothearpist and marriage counselor, on any subject related to the eBook (a $100.00 value). There you have it: $119.95 in value for only $12.95. Order Now Via Our 100% Secure Server Only $19.95 $12.95! After you place your order, you will receive an email link to access the eBook, your resource for clarity in understanding the true meaning of love. Here's to you and your success in loving. Benjamin B.Conley, M.Div., LMFT mailto:benconley@anthospublishing.com P.S.: I won't make any excessive promises here, like guaranteeing that all the problems in your love relationships will be resolved right away. Only You can do that, in your own way ! . . .What I can do is point you in the right direction. . . . P.P.S.: Remember that this offer includes one of the best, most unique learning tool there is - consultation with A REAL PERSON! You get your own professional email consultation (worth $100.00) with any question you might have, as soon as you purchase the Ebook. Address your email to benconley@benconley.com. Study and apply The Meaning of Love for a full 30 days. If you are not  satisfied, get a full refund of your investment. No questions asked! If you want to have a continuing conversation with Benjamin Conley, M.Div., LMFT, sign up for the Go for Happiness newsletter. Become a subscriber whether you purchase The Meaning of Love or not. New ideas enrich our understanding of how to have a more loving, caring connection to others and all of life. Join our Go for Happiness newsletter mailing list: (We will never sell or share your name or address with anyone. Privacy is totally guaranteed!) Enter your email address below and from time to time we will send you some ideas about values, spirituality, and some practical ideas, strategies, and tactics for improving your quality of life and relationships.

If You Love Someone, Set Them Free. If They Come Back They’re Yours

Dear Quote Investigator: On his first solo album in 1985 the musician Sting released a song called:

If You Love Somebody Set Them Free

Recently, I heard more elaborate quotations that included the above statement:

If you love something, let it go. If it returns, it’s yours; if it doesn’t, it wasn’t.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they’re yours; if they don’t they never were.

The statement immediately above was attributed to Richard Bach who wrote the enormously popular inspirationally work “Jonathan Livingston Seagull” in the 1970s. But I cannot find this saying in his novels. Could you tell me where this expression came from?

Quote Investigator: QI has found no substantiation that Richard Bach created or used the phrases above.

The earliest known evidence for a version of this saying appeared in a book titled “I Ain’t Much Baby—But I’m All I’ve Got” by Jess Lair that was privately published in 1969. Lair was a teacher, and he asked his students to create small writing samples. For each class meeting a student was supposed to write “some comment, question or feeling” on a three inch by five inch card and place it on a table in the front of the classroom. Lair read the short texts and made comments at the beginning of the class. The following was written on one card [JL69] [JL72]:

If you want something very, very badly, let it go free.  If it comes back to you, it’s yours forever.  If it doesn’t, it was never yours to begin with.

Lair stated that about half of the cards were unsigned, and he did not identify the person who turned in the expression above. Here are three other examples from junior and senior students:

1. I heard a very profound statement last night. Unfortunately I’ve forgotten it.
2. No guts—no glory.
3. Laughter is the song of the angels.

Lair did not require the words to be original, and he did not request attributions. So the student may have gathered the quotation of interest from another unknown person.

Top quotation expert Fred Shapiro, editor of the Yale Book of Quotations, obtained a copy of the 1969 book recently and verified the presence of the passage. Lair published multiple editions of his book, and in the past a 1974 edition was the earliest known and verified copy [JLYQ] [JLQV].

Here are additional selected citations in chronological order.

In 1951 Esquire magazine published a short story titled “The Tyranny of Love” by Harry Kronman, and it contained a quotation that prefigured part of the saying under investigation [EQHK]:

“I mean, if you love something very much, you’ve got to go easy with it—give it some room to move around. If you try to hold it tight like that, it’ll always try to get away.”

In 1969 the educator Jess Lair published a version of the saying which he obtained from a junior or senior college student as mentioned above:

If you want something very, very badly, let it go free.  If it comes back to you, it’s yours forever.  If it doesn’t, it was never yours to begin with.

In 1972 a compact version of the expression appeared as the caption of a one-panel comic by the graphic artist Peter Max who was part of zeitgeist of the 1960s and 70s. The phrasing of this version was closer to the most common modern variants. Max did not claim authorship; instead, he used the label “Unknown” [PMCP] [PMNJ]:

“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it is yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.”
—Unknown

The comic was part of a syndicated art series called “Meditation”. Max prompted his readers to send in quotations by asking the following question: “What words of wisdom guide your life?” The words above were sent in by “Chantal Sicile, Staten Island, N.Y.” But she did not claim authorship, apparently. The reward for a published quote was a poster autographed by Max.

In April 1975 the Oregonian newspaper published a profile of basketball player Bill Walton in its Sunday magazine section. The article noted a picture that displayed a different phrasing for the saying [ORBW]:

In the office of Bill Walton’s San Francisco attorney, there’s a picture that is captioned:

If you love something very much
Let it go free.
If it does not return, it was not meant to be yours.
If it does return, love it as hard as you can for the rest of your life.

In December 1975 the saying was published together with several other quotations in an article called “Points to Ponder” in the mass circulation periodical Reader’s Digest. Jess Lair’s book was acknowledged, and the words were identical to those in the book [JLRD].

For several years the actor Lee Majors was married to the actress and iconic beauty Farrah Fawcett. In 1978 an interviewer for the UPI news service asked Majors about this relationship [LMFF]:

“I have an old saying framed in my office. It goes like this, ‘If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.’ That’s how I feel about a marriage partner.”

By the 1990s the expression had implausibly been assigned to the author Richard Bach. Here is an example message from the Usenet distributed discussion system in 1994 [JLRB]:

>In summary, I’d like to add something I read by Alan Dean Foster:  “If
>you love something, set it free.  If it comes back, it is yours forever.
>If it doesn’t, then it never was yours at all.”
Actually it was Richard Bach, but Foster is a great author too!

By 1999 a comical remark had been appended to the maxim [UNSL]:

But, if it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff, eats your food,
uses your telephone, takes your money,
and doesn’t appear to realize that you had set it free…..
You either married it or gave birth to it.

In conclusion, the creator of this general saying is not known. Jess Lair helped to popularize one version starting in 1969. He was given the statement by an anonymous student. Peter Max helped to popularize another shorter version in 1972. He was sent the expression by Chantal Sicile.

(Many thanks to Randi who asked about this quotation and inspired the construction of this query and reply.)

[JL69] 1969, “I Ain’t Much Baby—But I’m All I’ve Got” by Jess Lair, Chapter 19, Page 98, Privately published. (Verified on paper by Fred Shapiro)

[JL72] 1972, “I Ain’t Much Baby—But I’m All I’ve Got” by Jess Lair, Chapter 20: Our Magic Cards, Quote Page 203, [Copyright: 1969, 1972], Doubleday & Company, Inc., Garden City, New York. (Verified on paper)

[JLYQ] 2006, The Yale Book of Quotations by Fred R. Shapiro, Section Jess Lair, Page 440, Yale University Press, New Haven. (Verified on paper)

[JLQV] 2006, The Quote Verifier by Ralph Keyes, Page 135, St Martin’s Griffin, New York. (Verified on paper)

[EQHK] 1951 February, Esquire, The Tyranny of Love by Harry Kronman, Start Page 30, Quote Page 30, Column 3, Esquire Publishing, New York. (Verified on paper)

[PMCP] 1972 September 16, Cleveland Plain Dealer, [Cartoon Panel: Meditation by Peter Max], Page 19-B, [GNB Page 31], Cleveland, Ohio. (GenealogyBank)

[PMNJ] 1972 September 16, News Journal, [Cartoon Panel: Meditation by Peter Max], Page 3, Column 4, Mansfield, Ohio. (NewspaperArchive) (This newspaper mentioned Chantal Sicile and the request for quotations.)

[ORBW] 1975 April 20, Oregonian, Sunday Section: Northwest Magazine, At Home with Bill Walton by Judy Hughes, Start Page 10, Quote Page 12, Column 3, Portland, Oregon. (GenealogyBank)

[JLRD] 1975 December, Reader’s Digest, Volume 107, Points to Ponder, Page 201, Column 1, The Reader’s Digest Association. (Verified on paper)

[LMFF] 1978 July 5, Nashua Telegraph, Lee Majors Is No Mr. Fawcett, [UPI newswire], Page 15, Column 6, Nashua, New Hampshire. (Google News Archive)

[JLRB] 1994 April 26, Usenet, Newsgroup: alt.romance.chat, From: Rob Geraghty, Responding to: Michael Aulfrey, Subject: Re: What do women want??? I need a woman’s advice!! 

What’s Your Shoe Personality?

“Why do you need so many shoes?”

If you’ve ever been asked this question by a guy, you’re probably going to love a great new Web service calledJustFabulous.

Born from a deep appreciation of a woman’s relationship with shoes, the website is dedicated to the needs of the average shoe addict.

Why are so many women addicted to shoes?  The explanations range from the practical to the therapeutic.  On the practical side, we know no outfit is complete without the perfect pair of shoes.  So, for every look we go out in, of course we need a unique pair of shoes to top it off!  Shoes also last longer than clothes--because unlike our dress size, our shoe size doesn’t change—so, we can always wear our favorites, regardless of whether or not our favorite pair of jeans fit that day.

But, there’s also something more about shoes—when you’re feeling down and need a pick-me-up, a great new pair of shoes often works wonders.

JustFabulous seeks to provide shoe addicts exactly what they want when it comes to shoes--namely, their own personal stylist.

But, shoe nirvana doesn’t just mean your own personal stylist suggesting new shoes that fit your look and style perfectly—it also means being able to actually afford these styles, and that’s whatJustFabulous does.

The JustFabulous experience starts with you taking a shoe personality quiz.  It’s a fun, quick, online survey where you’re presented with a slew of different shoe options, as well as various celebrity and designer looks that you rate based on your personal taste.  Based on your choices, JustFabulous then creates your unique shoe style profile.

Then comes the really fun part.  JustFabulous employs a team of celebrity stylists with extensive experience dressing some of the biggest names in the entertainment industry.  Each month, the team selects and presents you with a personalized collection of five shoes that they think you will love based on your style profile.  You can then choose to buy one or more of these shoes for just $39.95 each.

That’s right—only $39.95 for high quality, high fashion shoes.  They’re able to get this kind of pricing for their clients because they work with a selection of high-end shoe manufacturers on a direct basis.  These are high fashion styles like those sold by top designers for hundreds of dollars at retail--so, the quality is first rate.

If you don’t like any of the selections they come up with for you that month, you can request more, or just wait until the next month to see new selections.

Shipping is always free, and any of the shoes you select can be returned for a full credit if you don’t absolutely love them when they arrive.

There is no cost to join, and you don’t need to enter your credit card unless you start buying shoes

What Is The Best Non-Prescription Eyelash Enhancer?

Eyelash enhancers are the latest beauty trend these days, and cosmetic companies everywhere are launching products that promise to give women longer, fuller, and darker lashes without the fuss of mascara or false lashes.  But, with all these options, it’s hard to know what really works and what doesn’t.

Luckily, there are reputable beauty sites out there that have put many of these eyelash enhancers to the test.  The results for this year’s top-performing eyelash enhancers are in … with SmartLash coming in with a solid 5-star rating on DermStore.com, the #1 online destination for skin care and beauty.

What Is Eyelash Enhancement?

If you aren’t yet aware of this increasingly popular method of achieving longer lashes, eyelash enhancers are formulas that are topically applied to the base of your lower and upper lashes.  They can even be used on sparse, thin eyebrows.   

Is It Safe?

While prescription eyelash enhancers are often formulated with prostaglandin, a hormone that can cause side effects such as darkened irises (potentially irreversible) and blurred vision, more and more companies are developing safer, non-prescription alternatives that deliver impressive results.

Most non-prescription formulas are hormone and paraben-free.  Instead, they’re formulated with polypeptides, amino acids, and conditioning ingredients to help rejuvenate lashes and strengthen them against breakage.  So, you still get longer, fuller, darker-looking lashes and shapelier brows, without the negative side effects.

How Soon Can You See Results?

In some cases, users have reported seeing results in as little as seven days, while others may see results in four weeks.

SmartLash, for instance, has published its clinical results, which show that 46 percent of participants saw a difference in their eyelashes and/or brows in just seven days, while 100 percent saw a difference in 14 days.  They also experienced up to a 68 percent increase in the appearance of lash length.